My journal entry on 23rd of January, 2023 with the first entry at 04:19 AM.
04:19 AM:
But here is the thing – you can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t choose you. You cannot, because your person is going to be your person for the rest of your life. Not just when you are young and things are perfect, but when things get messy and you make mistakes and the world is less shiny.
You have to make sure that you have someone by your side who wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Someone who wants to hear your laugh, and makes breakfast with you and listen to all your dumb jokes for twenty or thirty or fifty years.
because there are difficult things, really hard and haunted things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But love should not be one of those things. Love should hold your hand and help you brave storms. Love should be your safe place. So please, just don’t give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know without hesitation, that they want to stay.
04:33 AM
We hold on because it is easier to fill our voids with another human being, even when they do not understand us, even when they cannot value us, because we are still learning to value ourselves.
We hold on to those who cannot love us for so many reasons, in so many ways and it is okay. Letting go is one is one of the hardest things you will have to do. But at the end of the day, keeping someone in your life who makes you question yourself, who makes you feel like you are too much, who asks for you to quite your soul – that is the greatest injustice you will ever do to your heart.
That is doing yourself a deep disservice, because you deserve to be surrounded by people who make you feel seen. You deserve to be surrounded by people who nourish you and challenge you and make you dizzy in the best way possible. It is important to learn how to stop romanticizing the things in your life that hurt. It is important to cut those ties, even when it’s hard, even when you do not want to face the loss, because it is within hardship that you will learn to choose your own heart. That you will learn to stand up for your heart. And your heart deserves to be defended. Your heart deserves to be treasured.
04:46 AM
No matter how much you wish you could, you cannot control how another person feels and loves.
just because someone fails to see your worth, it doesn’t mean you are unlovable. It simply means that they are not meant for you. You should never have to spend your days and nights wondering if you are good enough for somebody. You are enough. You are more than enough for the right person.
always remember that your happiness comes first. Focus on loving yourself and you will see your value and find strength to walk. Weeks, months, years may pass and you will look back and wonder why on earth it took you so long to see that all along you deserved everything you always wished you had. “…you don’t love and it’s okay really”
04:51 AM
what if you take the chance, what if you risk your heart, what if you crash into someone who genuinely inspires you and they choose you?
what if they love you the way you desire to be loved? What if they make you breakfast in bed on Sundays, and hug your broken pieces back together, and bring you phala when you are sick, and fill you with the loveliest, most tender kind of happiness?What if they grow you and encourage you and teach you that love was always meant to be soft?
That it was always meant to feel the way it feels when you are with them? What if they make you understand why it never worked out with anyon before them? What if they stay?? What if? What if?
04:56 AM
Love is not supposed to hurt you more than it heals you. The right person makes the timing right. Indecision is a decision, and that decision is a NO.
Love is not hard. Attachment is hard, and grief is hard, expectations are hard, unconscious fears are hard and old traumas are hard. Losing a sense of security is hard, exiting your comfort zone is hard. Facing the world alone when you thought you would have someone to rely on is hard.
Love doesn’t debate whether you should be together. Love doesn’t leave you to look for signs that you should return. Love doesn’t make you question whether you are worth someone’s time. Love doesn’t leave you doubting your interests and your flaws and the little nuances that make you who you are. Love doesn’t make you feel like you have to compete with someone else for it. Love Doesn’t make you prove your goodness before you can receive it.
05:17 AM
Bad timing doesn’t exist. The people your heart chooses at what it thinks is the wrong time are simply just the wrong people. They are simply just the ones who were meant to get away. They were simply the ones who were never meant to stay. Because at the end of the day, the right people show up. The right people care, not only when life is convenient, but when it is difficult and messy and it aches all over. The right people take the chance, they choose you just as confidently as you choose them. They hand you their heart. They bet on you. They believe in what you share with a ruthless conviction, with a hope that spills out of them. Have the courage to wait for these people. Do not settle for half-loves, Do not settle for someone who does not see the value in holding your heart. The people who walk away from you because the timing is not right, are simply just people who are not willing to put the right amount of time into you. Let that be your closure.
You are too full of everything that makes you whole to ever be loved in halves.