There is restlessness in me that only a chained thirsty dog could understand
Firstly, what do I do with the things left unsaid. The things that shatter me inside and I am screaming to speak but its all deaf ears so I just keep quite. Life is slow and hope is violent so I keep remembering the unspoken words and I keep remembering obsessively its like my heart has no pity on me. Over and over again I have had to conquer infinity hopelessness and now I no longer can weep, I no longer complain and my heart has grown brutal from feeding on fantasies conjured by hope. Its like I can almost understand why people fly off top of the buildings and why some levitate under trees. My heart hurts from the imagined beauty of a life I haven’t had… and that right there is what destroys me, the longing of something I do not have. Living boring days with an unknown future and irregular sleep, the days pass and pass and pass and nothing new… its like being born ruined my mental health hehehe.
Secondly, at an early age I sensed my path was a different path, a more ambitious one, I felt that I were destined for other things but I had no idea how to achieve them and in my misery I begun to hate myself. For after all I did grow up and when you grow, you outgrow your ideals which burn to ashes, and since you have no other life you take these ashes and try to mold something from them. Thus you now live out your life as a simpleton trying to console yourself with the stupid useless excuse that an intelligent person cannot become anything and only a fool can make something out of themselves and that’s horrifying. Imagine being useless; well educated, brilliantly promising and fading out into an indifferent lesser than average part of the herd. Oh my days! This bitter awareness of your own degradation, from knowing that you have done and gone to the max of your limits, that you no longer have any way out, that your life will not become different from which you were escaping from…Now you caught in a cruel war between who you truly are and what you are supposed to be. They say people with incredible back stories change the world but sometimes you are faced with the reality that it is just that, that you are just an incredible back story happening in the back and life wont give you front page.
Thirdly, you know that thing where they say when you spend enough time with someone you start liking them, same applies with things and feelings, even sadness… when you have dwelt in sadness longer you begin to love it. And what is the use of talking, if you already know that others don’t feel what you feel?? Terrifying isn’t it ?? terrifying that there is stability in prolonged sadness. Rock bottom gets very comfortable to lay your head, to look up seems a lot safer than wandering when you will fall again. Falling breaks bones. Like the only way out is in and you be chatting to God like “Let it end, let there be a new beginning, its awful. Amen.” Do you understand what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn?
Fourthly, my greatest regret is how much I believe in the future because in my head I am always one step away. You know sometimes you hope better than other people that’s why you find hope all so painful.
Anyways, I think too much, I don’t write enough and I am trying to find God everywhere.