We often talk about empathy, the ability to understand and share someone else’s feelings, but it’s not always as simple as it sounds. Especially when it comes to pain or trauma you’ve never experienced. And then there’s emotional debt—a heavy, invisible burden that often goes unnoticed. For those who carry it, it’s a weight that shapes their lives in painful ways.
Emotional debt isn’t love or loyalty, though it’s often confused with both. It’s feeling bound to someone or something that hurts you, not because you want to stay, but because you feel like you owe it to them. It’s when you rationalize harm, excuse behaviors, and sacrifice yourself because walking away feels impossible.
Sometimes this debt begins with trauma bonding. When someone hurts you but mixes the pain with moments of kindness, it creates a cycle that’s hard to break. The kind words, the apologies, or the rare gestures of affection make you cling to the idea that things will get better. “They’re not always like this,” you tell yourself. “They didn’t mean it.” And so, you stay, holding on to those small glimmers of hope while ignoring the storm raging around you.
Then there’s the confusion of cognitive dissonance—the mental tug-of-war between what you know and what you feel. You recognize the harm, the broken promises, and the hurt, yet you can’t ignore the good moments, no matter how fleeting they were. You tell yourself that maybe they’re not all bad. Maybe you’re overreacting. And in that space, torn between conflicting emotions, you justify staying, even when you know deep down it’s not right.
For some, emotional debt is tied to the hope of saving someone. You see their potential, the version of them they could be if only they’d change. You convince yourself that your love, patience, or forgiveness will make a difference. But it rarely does. Instead, you find yourself trapped, losing pieces of who you are while waiting for a transformation that never comes.
On the other side of this is the struggle for empathy. Many people find it hard to understand traumas they’ve never faced. It’s easy for someone who hasn’t lived through abuse or deep pain to say, “Get over it” or “It’s not that bad.” These words come from a place of ignorance, not malice, but they cut deeply nonetheless.
What’s often forgotten is that pain isn’t universal. It doesn’t look the same for everyone, and we shouldn’t expect it to. Just because you haven’t experienced someone else’s trauma doesn’t mean it’s not real. You don’t need to fully understand their pain to show kindness.
This is where grace comes in. Grace to accept that you don’t have all the answers. Grace to let people feel their pain without judgment. Grace to give them the space to heal in their own time, without pressure to move on or get over it.
If you’re carrying emotional debt, know this: you don’t owe anyone your suffering. You’re allowed to set boundaries, to say no, to leave situations that break you. Your healing matters, and it starts when you stop carrying the weight of what isn’t yours to hold.
And if you’ve struggled to empathize, take a moment to listen. You don’t have to fix someone’s pain or fully understand their story to offer them compassion. Sometimes, just being there—without judgment—is enough.
We all face storms, some visible, some hidden. A little empathy, a little grace, can make all the difference in helping someone find their way through.
As we move forward, this reflection will serve as a bridge into a series of upcoming journals about identity. Identity isn’t just who we are—it’s how we perceive ourselves, how the world shapes us, and how we navigate life. From the crises that shake us to our core, to the roles we play, to the ways we try to define ourselves through things, we are constantly exploring and redefining what it means to be “me.” These next entries will explore identity in its many layers—how trauma rewrites it, how we often get lost in what we own or achieve, and how, eventually, we strive for congruency: becoming whole.
If you’ve ever questioned who you are or felt lost in the chaos of life, this series is for you.